How I Went From “Health Coach” to Anti-Diet Culture

This blog actually started as a health and fitness blog. That was before I packed up my bags and decided that there was more to life than being skinny.

If you knew me then, I’m sorry. Thank you for sticking around.

Let me start off by saying, it wasn’t all bad. I learned so many beautiful things, met so many beautiful people, but in the end I knew I wasn’t living my truth. I don’t want this to seem like an attack on any particular person(s), because it isn’t. This isn’t a story about glorifying obesity, hating on fitness, or a healthy lifestyle.

This is a story about realizing that if our body is working and doing what we need it to do, we’re probably already more healthy than we think we are. This is a story about weight and how it isn’t the greatest indicator of health. This is a story about how when we think we are seeking “health” through fad dieting, there’s really a lot more that we’re looking for. This is a story about realizing that what we really need can’t be found through restriction, micromanaging, and obsession with our appearance.

This is not a story designed to ruin, defame, or degrade anyone. This is a story to set myself and others free.

Let’s begin.

Like most every other person in the world, I have struggled with self-esteem and body image issues since I was far too young. I remember crying in the dressing rooms in middle school because I thought I was fat. I wasn’t. So when I was 21 and the biggest I had ever been in my life, someone approached me about a supplement company that was working well for them. (I won’t be naming the company, though if you know me I’m sure you know it. This is not a criticism of this specific company but the industry as a whole). To be fair…when I look back on that time, I know I wasn’t healthy. I was binge eating, drinking venti frappucinos every day, and not moving my body nearly as much as I should have been. I was about 25 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Side note: Only you know your body. Weight is not always the best indicator, but I personally felt unhealthy and unhappy with my body.

So, I started using the products, and they worked. I lost a significant amount of weight in my first month. I had also joined a group of incredible people, who were all working together- not only to lose weight but to better their minds as well. We focused on staying positive and setting goals in and outside of the gym. I felt amazing, so when they asked me if I wanted to keep losing weight, feeling, good, and make money. I was sold.

Of course, when money is involved there’s no way to keep your intentions pure.  I had brainwashed myself into thinking I was helping people when I was just trying to pay my bills. Does it mean I didn’t care about them? No. But, did I have ulterior motives? Yes. I know it sounds ugly, but it’s the truth. One I couldn’t see until a long time after this all ended. Hindsight is 20/20.

So, I messaged tons of people (people who were not asking to be messaged), pried on their insecurities, and got them to join. I was good at it because somehow 6 months went by and I had lost 50 pounds. I was the poster child for success. I had never seen myself so skinny. I had never seen myself so strong. I had never seen myself so motivated. I suppose that was attractive to people, so they joined me. 

People in my life were mostly supportive. People who didn’t want to join told me so nicely or ignored my messages. I felt great until one day when I had messaged a girl I went to high school with. This girl was bigger and an obvious target for someone selling a weightloss product.”Fuck you.” she replied. Actually she replied, with paragraphs about how rude and wrong my message was. But those words stuck with me and I’ll never forget them. My business partners told me it reflected her, not me. I cried that night. In my mind, I was sharing the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, and she received it as a personal attack. Only now, can I understand where she was coming from.

All the while, I thought I was different. I thought I was promoting a body positive healthy life style. When my team and I created weight loss challenges, I vetoed ideas such as the “bikini body challenge” and refused to promote the fat burners that the company sold.

I became more and more obsessed. I glossed over the red flags. There were many.

To name a few:

• The time I heard two coaches talking about how the ingredients in the products weren’t very good in the USA after constantly posting about how they were so clean and backed by scientists and doctors.
• A coach once telling me that this company was not for people who wanted to be “really” healthy.
• The team relationship being seemingly conditional to you showing up to every event.
• Coaches thinking it was impossible that the product couldn’t work for someone even if they followed the step by step instructions

What was the last straw for me, though? Bananas.

People started posting infographics in our Facebook page about what fruits to avoid in order to achieve the best results.

Don’t eat a banana. Too much sugar.

In that moment, the illusion was shattered. What I thought was about being healthy clearly was not and I knew I couldn’t go back. I slowly started distancing myself from it all, which fortunately coincided with my move to the other side of the world. It’s been about two years removed from it. So what have I learned? Or maybe a better question, what have I unlearned?

I realized that if we really want to support and love other women we can’t be part of a system that profits off of our insecurities. If every person on this earth ate the exact same food, we would all have different bodies. So why was I dedicating my whole life to make my body the way it wasn’t meant to be? Why are so many women doing this? We spend years trying to lose the last 10 pounds. So many of us claim it’s in the name of health. But the truth is a difference that small is not affecting our health. Is it going to add years to our life? If my body can do the things I want and need it to do, that is a healthy body. When we think of healthy, we think of no fat, muscles, and six-pack abs. The truth is those people eat and train to look a certain way. They are not the epitome of health. There are Olympic athletes who have accomplished crazy feats who have a body composition many would view as “unhealthy”. How do we define health? Strength, endurance, physical appearance?

I also realized that I have the same amount of days that I don’t love my body now as I did when I was living in society’s “ideal” body. No-one is going to love themselves every day. There are an increasing amount of women who are refusing to hate their bodies. Join them. Follow them. Unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself. Eat intuitively. Move your body when you can, don’t force yourself or feel guilty for not doing it. Wear what you want. Listen to Lizzo.

I haven’t weighed myself in well over a year, but I would dare to guess that I’ve gained about half of the 60 pounds I lost back. I’ve gained a lot more than that. I’ve gained experiences that people can only dream of… living abroad in two different countries and exploring countless others. I’ve gained friends from all over the world. I’ve gained a passion for my career. I’ve gained true love and acceptance for myself for the first time ever in my life. I only hope you’ve gained something from this too.

Thank you.

Peace & Love,

Anna

3rd Annual Reflection Survey

This will be my 3rd annual introspective survey. Last year, it was about the lessons of my first year abroad. Now, I’ve completed my second year abroad in a completely different country. I’m excited to revisit my old answers and see what I’ve learned throughout the past year.

 1.Where are you right now? What are you doing?

2017: Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

2018: It’s 10:20 pm on a Sunday night. I’m in Changwon, South Korea. I’m looking for places to live in Madrid (where I move in 2.5 months). I am wearing a grey T-shirt and underwear and that’s it. Also, not sure why I felt the need to mention what I was wearing in the past because it is not part of the question.

2019: It’s 1:32 pm on a Friday afternoon. I’m in a cafe in Spain drinking iced coffee and dying from the sweltering heat, but more than happy to be back for my second year here.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

2017: Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

2018: These days a normal day starts at 7:30 am. I get up and ready by 8:30. I usually grab a breakfast sandwich on my way to school. I start teaching at 9:10. I teach my kinder class until 2:30, then I teach elementary classes until 6:10 with some breaks in between. I get home by 6:40pm which gives me enough time to eat and relax before doing it all again. I still watch a lot of YouTube. I also started watching a lot of series on Netflix which I never did before.

(Currently obsessed with Orphan Black)

2019: A normal day (during the school year) starts at 7:30 am. I eat breakfast and head to the train station for my 35 minute commute to work. I stay working with my 4th and 5th graders until around 2pm. I come home for “lunch” at around 3 and a siesta before heading back out to do my private classes. Then, I have an evening walk home. Probably my favorite part of the day. Right now, I’m “funemployed” and on hunt for a summer job.

3. What is your relationships status? How do you feel about it?

2017: I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

2018: I am so extremely single. I am still learning a lot about myself some of which needs to be figured out before I get into a relationship again. I am not actively dating or seeking any relationship but am open to what the universe has planned for me. It doesn’t feel like the right time because of my move to Spain. I never dated in Korea because I could always see the expiration date. My life seems very transitional at the moment which doesn’t seem conducive to a relationship. Of course there are times I miss the comfort of a relationship, but most days I am happy with my freedom.

2019: Still single (lol). The past year I have been more open to dating. I have gone on a few dates but find the cultural differences to be quite off-putting. I also find it odd to date in such a transitive stage of my life, but I am working on letting go of that. I am working on bettering myself so that when I do find the right person, I’m ready. Still enjoying being single.

4. Are you happy?

2017: Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

2018: I am happy, but it is happiness I didn’t expect. It is the same happiness I felt before. I think I expected everything to be new, different, and full of joy but the truth is after living in another country for a year you become accustomed to your surroundings. Even though it’s only been a short time, you quickly remember that this is your life and just because you’re thousands of miles away doesn’t mean you’re on vacation. I experience so much joy every day spending time with my students who are truly my best friends in Korea. I am happy but it is a familiar feeling.

2019: Yes, I’m so happy. I am so grateful for the life I’ve built in Spain. Every time I walk through the city, I feel immensely grateful. My happiness stems from my gratitude. Of course, there are things that have happened that make me sad, but I have found joy in all the good which outweighs the bad.

5. What are your beliefs?

2017: The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

2018: I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. People bring us joy; they teach us lessons. Don’t force staying where you are. Force growth and challenges that will bring you rewarding people and opportunities.

2019: First of all, why did my belief from last year just smack me in the face? A year later and I still needed that. Now to answer the question…I believe that gratitude is the key to life, happiness, and self-acceptance. If you can live in a state of constant gratitude, bad things still happen, but you can learn from them and know that more good is coming.

6. What are you most proud of in your life?

2017: I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

2018: I am proud of myself for persevering. I did a hard thing and I did it well. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and riding the waves of consequence that risk held for me. I saw many people who couldn’t do it and I’m happy that I did. I’m proud of myself for embracing and participating in a new culture, language, and lifestyle. I’m proud I didn’t quit when others did.

2019: I’m proud of myself for working hard to learn a skill. This past year I focused on learning Spanish. I read newspapers, books, took classes, and I have improved so much. I’ve also worked a lot on self-acceptance this year. I have a long ways to go but I’ve made big strides. I’m at peace with my body for the first time in a long time

7. How do you picture your life a year from now?

2017: A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

2018: It’s so crazy to think how much in a year. Most of my predictions for this year were correct. I have so many new friends and am definitely dreading leaving my babies. By next year, I think I will have finished my new program in Spain. I think I will be applying for a Master’s program in Education/TEFL. It’s very possible that this could be abroad or an online program so I can travel.

2019: Currently enrolled in an online teaching certification program. Starting to think a psychic because my yearly predictions are getting pretty good. By next year, I think I will be studying for my teaching exams. In terms of location, I have no idea. I am going to get my EU passport this year which gives me more opportunity in Europe, but I can also see myself coming back to the states and settling somewhere with family in Colorado.

8. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

2017: Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

2018: Don’t hold on to the past. Don’t hold on to people who aren’t on your side. Embrace the newness and know what’s coming is so amazing. You will make friends with people from all over the world and from all walks of life. Whenever one door, closes another opens.

2019: It is impossible to avoid pain. You can try to avoid things like dating to keep yourself from getting hurt, but life has a funny way of sneaking it in anyways. So don’t be afraid and try everything. You’re going to get hurt anyway, and you might as well do it having fun.

9. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

2019: 1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

2018: I still standby my previous comments but would like to add something. The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that you can’t run away from your problems. I have met so many people who came here to escape things from back home (partially including myself). The truth is your life is your life no matter where you go and although changing your surroundings can be helpful, you can not escape anything (especially in this day and age with the technology that connects us).  Although it may nice to have a break from certain people and places, overall you either carry your problems with you or create new ones in your new home. The most important thing you can do is feel your feelings. Don’t ignore what you’re going through.

2019: Nothing lasts forever. Live in the present and fully enjoy each beautiful phase of your life. Be grateful. Mourn the changes but be open to new and equally amazing things.

10. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

2017: In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

2018: I hope by this time next year I am a high level Spanish speaker. My profesional goal for Spain is to increase my language abilities. Personally, I would like to continue coming out of my shell. In Korea, I definitely said “eff it” a lot and was able to let my guard down. I felt pretty confident in my skin but I would like to embrace myself even more. I would like to say yes to as many opportunities and experiences as I can. I hope I will have seen at least 5 more countries!

2019: I hope by next year I have completed my teaching program and found the correct next step for me whether in Spain or elsewhere. I hope I have gotten my German passport and continued increasing my Spanish level. I want to have a different but equally valuable experience. I would love to make it to the African continent by the end of next year.

 

11.Write the words you need to hear.

2017: Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que será, será!

2018: Everything will happen in it’s right time. Focus on now. Take it one day at a time. We can’t predict the future or change the past. Opportunities will reveal themselves in due time. Also, crying is okay and know that the reason you are struggling is because saying goodbye to people you love so fiercely is daunting but be glad you even had the opportunity to spread and receive that kind of love.

2019: Don’t apologize for who you truly are. Not everyone is going to love you but there are so many that do. Focus on those people.

 

Peace & Love,

Anna

Answering the Same Questions (One Year Later)

One year ago, I answered a list of questions to compare my life before and after living in Korea. Does moving to the other side of the world really change your life as much as you think it will? Just because you’re chasing a new opportunity, will you magically be happy all the time? These were my questions. Here are the results.

These questions were answered a few weeks ago. I have been formatting and editing this post since which is why some of the timing may not make sense for the present day/time.

1.Where are you right now? What are you doing?

Before: Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

Currently: It’s 10:20 pm on a Sunday night. I’m in Changwon, South Korea. I’m looking for places to live in Madrid (where I move in 2.5 months). I am wearing a grey T-shirt and underwear and that’s it. Also, not sure why I felt the need to mention what I was wearing in the past because it is not part of the question.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

Before: Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

Currently: These days a normal day starts at 7:30 am. I get up and ready by 8:30. I usually grab a breakfast sandwich on my way to school. I start teaching at 9:10. I teach my kinder class until 2:30, then I teach elementary classes until 6:10 with some breaks in between. I get home by 6:40pm which gives me enough time to eat and relax before doing it all again. I still watch a lot of YouTube. I also started watching a lot of series on Netflix which I never did before.

(Currently obsessed with Orphan Black)

3. What is your relationships status? How do you feel about it?

Before: I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

Currently: I am so extremely single. I am still learning a lot about myself some of which needs to be figured out before I get into a relationship again. I am not actively dating or seeking any relationship but am open to what the universe has planned for me. It doesn’t feel like the right time because of my move to Spain. I never dated in Korea because I could always see the expiration date. My life seems very transitional at the moment which doesn’t seem conducive to a relationship. Of course there are times I miss the comfort of a relationship, but most days I am happy with my freedom.

4. Are you happy?

 Before: Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

Currently: I am happy, but it is happiness I didn’t expect. It is the same happiness I felt before. I think I expected everything to be new, different, and full of joy but the truth is after living in another country for a year you become accustomed to your surroundings. Even though it’s only been a short time, you quickly remember that this is your life and just because you’re thousands of miles away doesn’t mean you’re on vacation. I experience so much joy every day spending time with my students who are truly my best friends in Korea. I am happy but it is a familiar feeling.

5. What are your beliefs?

Before: The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

Currently: I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. People bring us joy; they teach us lessons. Don’t force staying where you are. Force growth and challenges that will bring you rewarding people are opportunities.

6. What are you most proud of in your life?

Before: I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

Currently: I am proud of myself for persevering. I did a hard thing and I did it well. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and riding the waves of consequence that risk held for me. I saw many people who couldn’t do it and I’m happy that I did. I’m proud of myself for embracing and participating in a new culture, language, and lifestyle. I’m proud I didn’t quit when others did.

7. How do you picture your life a year from now?

Before: A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

Currently: It’s so crazy to think how much in a year. Most of my predictions for this year were correct. I have so many new friends and am definitely dreading leaving my babies. By next year, I think I will have finished my new program in Spain. I think I will be applying for a Master’s program in Education/TEFL. It’s very possible that this could be abroad or an online program so I can travel.

8. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

Before: Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

Currently: Don’t hold on to the past. Don’t hold on to people who aren’t on your side. Embrace the newness and know what’s coming is so amazing. You will make friends with people from all over the world and from all walks of life. Whenever one door, closes another opens.

9. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

Before: 1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

Currently: I still standby my previous comments but would like to add something. The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that you can’t run away from your problems. I have met so many people who came here to escape things from back home (partially including myself). The truth is your life is your life no matter where you go and although changing your surroundings can be helpful, you can not escape anything (especially in this day and age with the technology that connects us).  Although it may nice to have a break from certain people and places, overall you either carry your problems with you or create new ones in your new home. The most important thing you can do is feel your feelings. Don’t ignore what you’re going through.

10. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

Before: In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

Currently: I hope by this time next year I am a high level Spanish speaker. My profesional goal for Spain is to increase my language abilities. Personally, I would like to continue coming out of my shell. In Korea, I definitely said “eff it” a lot and was able to let my guard down. I felt pretty confident in my skin but I would like to embrace myself even more. I would like to say yes to as many opportunities and experiences as I can. I hope I will have seen at least 5 more countries!

11.Write the words you need to hear.

Before: Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que sera, sera!

Currently: Everything will happen in it’s right time. Focus on now. Take it one day at a time. We can’t predict the future or change the past. Opportunities will reveal themselves in due time. Also, crying is okay and know that the reason you are struggling is because saying goodbye to people you love so fiercely is daunting but be glad you even had the opportunity to spread and receive that kind of love.

Excited to see where I will go.

Peace & Love,

Anna

Kaohsiung Day 1

Day 1

After extreme rain warnings and a flight delay, I arrive in Kaohsiung to a bright blue cloudless sky. It came as such a shock to me seeing as I had checked the weather app every day for the last month and had not seen one day without rain. I headed to the metro and was easily and quickly able to make my way to my hostel. I dropped off my bags and headed to explore my neighborhood (Central Park).

First stop, boba!!! Taiwan is the home of bubble tea which has been my favorite thing ever since my cousin introduced it to me back in 2008. Being in Taiwan where you can find it on every corner for very cheap is amazing. I got a lemon flavored green tea and headed into the park to see what the locals do on a Sunday afternoon in Kaohsiung.

After a little photoshoot/stroll around the park, I found a few interesting gatherings. One was a group of teenagers (maybe 50??) doing some sort of dance game. A song would come on and those who wanted to or knew the choreography ran in and danced for about 15 seconds until a new song came on and new dancers ran in. It’s safe to say Kpop is a global phenomenon as almost every song they danced to was from a Korean artist.

Then I saw what I think was some sort of bird competition! A huge group of people all with parrots or other kinds of exotic birds were standing in a group! I didn’t stay very long to see what was happening but it was interesting.

Finally, my room was ready so I headed back to my hostel and got to see my little room which I love. It’s like a pod room but with with a curtain instead of a door.

After charging up my phone, I headed to Pier 2 which is an art center by the water. It was so nice to walk around inside all the cool shops and get a glimpse of the intriguing art pieces. Even though I went near sunset, it was still scorching and the stores provided me with a brief escape from the hellish temperatures.

At the end of Pier 2 is a large park where you can buy a kite or play with giant bubbles. There are still more sculptures scattered around too. It was a perfect place to catch the sunset.

Finally, I got some dinner at Ye Shu Shu Shi American Restaurant. I had a spicy chicken burger with french fries and it was so good! One of the waitresses asked if she could sit and practice her English with me. It was so nice just to sit and eat with someone. People can be so scared of traveling alone but when traveling solo, you are never truly alone!

What I’ve Learned About Relationships From Being Single for 1 Year

One year ago I completely destroyed my “perfect” little life. Really, I should say I took the first step, which was also the biggest and hardest one to take. The breakup.

Coming to the conclusion that I needed to break up with someone was the hardest part. It was almost a year of ignoring the little voice in my head that said, “Maybe this isn’t meant to be your forever.” Breaking up didn’t sound easy, fun, or sensible, so in my brain it wasn’t a possibility. The thoughts kept creeping up on me, in the shower, while driving, while in school. They became harder to ignore and I manifested them into a crippling anxiety that couldn’t be ignored. When my physical heart started hurting and I wasn’t sleeping, I knew it was time to at least consider it. I didn’t talk about it out loud. I kept it in and pushed it down. I couldn’t talk to my friends about it because once it came out of my mouth I knew I would have to face it. But being the over-sharer I am, one day it came out at dinner with a friend and then just a few short days letter it happened.

You may be asking why I’m sharing this when people that I wish wouldn’t will probably read it and it’s all so deeply and painfully personal. Well I have a few answers to that question:

1. I think it could actually really help someone especially people who are like me and had no idea what a break up would actually be like
2. Writing is my therapy
3. Because as horrible as it was my break up was the best thing that ever happened to me

So without further ado I would like to share the 6 biggest lessons I’ve learned about love, relationships, and break ups in the last year.

1. Being in a relationship is not a solution to all of life’s problems.

Our world places a ridiculous amount of pressure on people to be in relationships. They paint this picture that nothing bad can happen to you once you find “the one”. The truth is life will try to knock you down whether you are single or not. Being in a relationship does not protect you from the cruelties of life, so staying in one when it’s not working is only going to cause more trouble.

2. Peace and mourning can co-exist

To quote the iconic adolescent novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

This was another huge lesson for me. I felt like if I was sad I couldn’t possibly be making the right choice. But I noticed that once I faced my fears, confronted my feelings, and just did it, I felt at peace. I also felt so incredibly sad. Healing is not linear and there are definitely still days where I feel sad and some nights where I randomly I cry. However, I am always positive this was the best decision for me because I also feel an overwhelming amount of peace. As soon as I confronted my feelings, my physical anxiety symptoms went away and were replaced by a calm vulnerability.

3. The right decision is often the harder one to make.

It shouldn’t be so hard to leave, but it also shouldn’t be so hard to stay. There’s a difference between working on what you can fix and staying after time has expired. Of course, staying together seems like the easier answer but the harder choice is almost always the better one. Personal growth is right outside your comfort zone and leaving my bubble and facing the hard truth opened the door to many amazing opportunities. Growing is painful but we can be truly happy unless we are progressing. Staying in a dying relationship because it feels better than confronting your feelings will only hurt you more in the end.

4. Trust Yourself.

You shouldn’t have to make a list of pros and cons to decide to stay or go. If your heart says it’s time, then it’s time. I so badly wanted to avoid pain that I literally disconnected myself from my heart even though it was telling me the truth all along. It caused much more damage in the long run and I’m still working to rebuild that connection with myself. Just listen to your gut.

5. You’re allowed to be sad even if you’re the “heartbreaker”.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn and I think it’s actually the reason I lost many friends during this time of my life. Since I was the one breaking up with someone, I really felt as if I had no place to be sad. This was what I “wanted” and so I had to be happy about it. If I was that heartbroken, why would we be breaking up in the first place? It lead me to try to act tougher and happier than I really was. Since in my relationship I had suppressed a lot of emotions, it only felt natural at this point to continue to do so. These shattering life moments don’t come with a rule book, although sometimes society makes it seem that way. If you’re sad, feel sad.

6. Just because it’s not wrong doesn’t mean it’s right!

This was definitely one of the biggest lessons for me and one that I’m still learning fully. It’s easy for friends and family to say, “But he was such a nice guy!” Of course then your brain agrees and decided you’ll never meet a “nice” guy again as if “nice” is the only thing a person needs to be to have a fulfilling relationship. You can have the perfect guy and still not be happy. If he’s not perfect for you, then it’s time to go. Don’t use every bad thing he doesn’t do as an excuse to stay.

You’re still probably wondering why l said my break up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So before I go, let me explain.

My breakup forced me to do something really difficult. Something I really wanted to avoid because of fear and pain. By breaking down that boundary and doing the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, I was set free. Nothing scared me anymore. If I could do that horrifying thing, I could do other scary things too. Things that I would bring me massive joy- like moving to Korea. If I hadn’t had the courage to break up with my ex, I’m not sure I would be here today. I wouldn’t have been in this stunning country. I wouldn’t have experienced the strong bond and immense love my students and I share. I wouldn’t have made the incredible friends I have. Friends that think smarter and more openly than anyone I have ever met. Girls who also took that risk and faced their fear. Women who are still helping me pick up the pieces today.

I am so blessed and grateful for all the changes that have occurred in my life over the last year. None of them could have happened, if I hadn’t taken the first steps.

This blog isn’t to tell you to break up- unless your heart is already telling you to do so. If this is the sign you need, take it. In all, I’m really telling you that if you do the impossible things, unbelievable things happen in return.

Love,

Anna

P.S. I feel like I have to add as a disclaimer that I by no means intend to make my ex look bad. He is a great person and I hope you can understand this is more about me and my self-discovery than it is about him.

Set Back or Set Up?

Okay update time! My move has been pushed back. Things were coming down to the wire and in the end didn’t go the way I would have hoped. Here’s the rundown:

So basically, I had to get an FBI background check and I didn’t pass. Just kidding. I got the background check done and was emailed my results in a password protected zip file. This is the new way that the US likes to do it because it’s faster and more efficient. Unfortunately, this is not the way Korea likes to do it! After deliberating and having my program director visit their office multiple times for hours on end, they rejected the document. They needed it to be printed out on a different kind of paper with a watermark instead of just on normal copy paper. For whatever reason, they could not verify it’s validity without this special paper. Yeah, my move is postponed because of one single piece of paper thats texture was incorrect…

This is frustrating because:

1. I was supposed to go to LA to get my visa as soon as this was approved.
2. I couldn’t communicate with people in Korea until night time so I wouldn’t know if I was going to LA until the night before.
3. I had been speculating which day it was going to be and organizing my work schedule around it.
4. It kept taking longer so I had to keep switching around my schedule.
5. I was mentally prepared to be leaving the country in 11 days.
6. After I got the document originally done, I have to apostille it which means someone in the US government has to verify the validity of the document and sign off on it ( so the paper shouldn’t matter because it’s already been signed off on).
7. And I have to reprocess a document which I have already correctly processed just to have it printed on a different type of paper.
8. Usually it takes 10-12 weeks to get this document by mail.

You can see how disheartening this would be which is why I spent the night crying and being upset. The immediate thought that crossed through my mind was “Maybe this means I shouldn’t go”. I was looking for an “out” because to be quite honest, the closer the day came the more nervous I was getting.

I had to stop and ask myself “What is the lesson here? Why is this hurdle being placed in my life?” Not to toot my own horn but I have recently discovered I am very good being self-aware and recognizing patterns in my life, and then I saw it.

Pattern: I spontaneously decide I want something. I sign up for it. It gets difficult. I don’t want it anymore.

Why is my first thought when something gets hard to quit?

I wasn’t expecting to learn any lessons before I even got to Korea, but then I realized…

When I’m there in a brand new environment and culture with brand new coworkers and personalities, many moments will be like this. My expectations will not always be met. I will be disappointed at times. Deadlines will change. Will I run home as soon as something doesn’t go my way?

Here’s where having good friends comes into play. I called my friend Amanda and she talked sense into me. “The Universe has perfect timing and you have to believe that this is all happening because it’s the best possible way.” I have to think of it as a set- up for something better instead of a set-back. I just have to detach myself from the result. As Tony Robbins says, “Trade expectation for appreciation”. I was upset, but I let go. It instantly worked miracles.

Yesterday, when I went to the get my fingerprints redone for the background check, the channeler ended up giving me the redo for free because she was sympathetic to my situation. She also found a way that would only take a few days instead of the 12 weeks it should have. As soon as I let go of what should happen, things started falling into place quickly. I have hope that everything will be resolved soon and I will be on the plane in no-time.

Que sera, sera!

Peace & Love,

Anna

Interviewing Myself- Pre-Departure

When I was in 7th grade, my mom never let me have a myspace (see my 7th grade selfie above). I used to fill out those surveys and post them from my friends’ accounts because I wanted to hint at everyone that I liked a boy. It was like the 2007 version of subtweeting.

Anyways, here I am interviewing myself with questions gathered from the internet as well as from some of you! I want to answer these questions for myself. All these answers are completely truthful and raw. I think it’s important to share my real actual feelings about a matter of things with you all because social media can be so deceiving these days. Mostly, I want to re-answer these question in a years time to see how my answers change as a result of my experience in Korea. Enjoy!

1. Where are you right now? What are you doing?

Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

3. What is your relationship status? How do you feel about it?

I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

4. Are you happy? 

Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

5. What interpersonal skills would you like to develop? 

The three skills I would most like to more fully develop are being flexible, listening more frequently and attentively, and accepting feedback more graciously. I think I have become more flexible recently, but I know that going into my new job in Korea I will have to be very flexible. The culture of business is much different and will take time to adjust to; therefore, I will have to be patient and understanding. Secondly, we all know I am a talker. I love filling silence with my own sound. I am working on only talking when necessary because I think a lot of my loudness comes from insecurity and need to be felt. I want to be a good listener. Finally, I have real trouble accepting feedback. I hate to be critiqued. It makes me very uncomfortable to hear someone telling me I can improve; it sounds like “You’ve failed” to me. I want to be able to hear from a different perspective. I know we can always and should always want to improve.

6. What are your beliefs?

The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

7. What are you most proud of in your life?

I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

8. How do you picture your life a year from now?

A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

9. How easy/ difficult do you assume the assimilation process will be? How long will it take?

I think the assimilation process will go something like this:

1. First few month: This is a fun vacation!!!
2. Second/third month: I have it all figured out.
3. 4-7 months in: WTF am I doing here?! I know nothing.
4. 8-12 months: Can I stay another year?

It may also go nothing like that but this is my assumption.

I think certain facets will be easier than others. I assume language will be the biggest barrier and hurdle.  In Portugal, I felt that I assimilated almost immediately despite the language barrier. Peru took me longer because of the poverty level and safety concerns I had. Korea will be different because there is no Roman alphabet and I am not coming home after one month.

10. What will you miss the most about home?

In all honesty, I am most sad to leave my dogs. I know this sounds crazy but hear me out. My family will know where I am, why I have left, and I can still communicate with them. My dogs have no idea. I hate the idea that they might think I’m gone forever or even worse that they could forget me!

I will also really miss lazy weekends with my family and going to my brother’s basketball games.

11. What do you want to discover about yourself in the next year?

Like most people my age, I am going through the post-grad “Who the hell am I and what do I want?” phase. I think the biggest struggle I’m currently dealing with in that realm is marriage vs. single and free life. I know this seems crazy since I’m 23 and not in a relationship but it’s something I want more clarity on. Part of me wants that perfect family. I want to bring breakfast in bed to my husband and babies, be the perfect stay at home mom, wife, etc. I know it’s unreasonable and there is no perfect family, but I want it so badly. The other part of me and my wild Sagittarius heart thinks that no two people can actually be happy together forever. No one can promise infinite love without knowing the future and what lies ahead (which none of us do). This part of me wants the adventure, the experience, the infatuation stage forever with as many people as possible, never settling. I’m trying to focus on not rushing and taking it one day at a time, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want clarity for myself. Especially since whatever I decide is ultimately something I need to bring to the table and be upfront about in future relationships. Of course, I could fall madly in love any day, and my views on this could change immediately.

I’m sure this is all part of the becoming an adult thing – thinking I have to have it all figured out.

 

12. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

13. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

14. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

15.Write the words you need to hear.

Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que sera, sera!