Pandemic Profe: Life as a Teacher in the Pandemic

I’m writing this from bed, exhausted from the combination of the gloomy weather and my first week back at work. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t dreading Monday just a little. As most of you know, I’ve been teaching English abroad for three years now. The last two years I worked in the same school and taught the same students. So, naturally when the Comunidad de Madrid decided language assistants working in public schools could only stay for two years (at the end of my second year), I was a bit nervous. Now, that nervousness has multiplied ten times over.

Since the pandemic took over all our lives in March, I’ve been getting mixed messages. From my US generated media, it mostly seems like a fear-based blame game. This is direct departure from the Spanish ideology which is more like, “If we’re going down, we should have a good time doing it.” This has been a personal struggle for me. I felt and still feel caught in between the two. Both countries have handled things completely differently. We in Spain spent two months in our houses without the freedom to even go outside to walk. We enjoyed our summer. Everyone traveled around Spain to visit family or go to the beach. As a result of that, our numbers were rising and suddenly it’s time for la vuelta al cole (“back to school). Parents seem to agree that we can’t live in fear. Over the summer, I worked for a few different families which unanimously agreed that la vuelta al cole was necessary. Students need community and parents need to work. So, the schools opened.

I have now worked 4 full days as a profe (teacher) in the new normal. To be honest, it’s kind of horrible. Let me preface this summary by saying I love being a teacher, but I was not prepared for back to school after 6 months working from home. Some of this anxiety was due to the fact that I was in a new environment but most of it is due to the stress induced by trying to force schools open during a pandemic.

After my first day, I came home crying. I didn’t exactly feel welcomed in to the new school because the teacher’s were so preoccupied by trying to follow new protocol (social distancing, temperature checks, masks, etc.). The profession I love did not feel the same at all, and to top it all off, I have been placed in more a seemingly more risky environment than my peers. In Spain, students under 6 are not obligated to wear masks. So imagine my surprise (and horror) when I find out that I have not 1 but 6 different classes of students within that age range. As an English teacher, I move around to different classes. Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but during a pandemic it felt like a personal attack. The “Why me?” syndrome was kicking in. When bringing it up to someone in the school, they didn’t seem concerned. Their response was “Well, you can catch the virus anywhere.” The 7 months I have avoided the bars meant nothing, along with every other precaution I’ve taken in my personal life, suddenly felt meaningless. After that, I was wishing for everyone to be just a little more scared. My friends tried to reassure me that would be better the next day.

Day two was definitely better and I began reimagining what it means to be a teacher. In Spain, I have gotten used to the physical closeness that makes up such a large part of their culture. I felt uninspired and disconnected from my students by teaching that didn’t include physical displays of affection, encouragement, or at least proximity. The distance feels icy. Additionally, collaborative activities are basically impossible, which in current times seem to be the focal point of what constitutes “good” teaching.

As I write this, I’m staring down at a bruise on my arm, the remnants of a very nice Spanish nurse drawing my blood. On Wednesday, we were told that the next day we needed to report to an education center to have a mandatory Covid test done. They gave us a range of times that the test might be between and told us they would let us know tomorrow. Gotta love Spanish scheduling. So Thursday, after working, I had an appointment at 7 pm clear on the other end of Madrid. I was surprised by line, easily a few thousand people, and how swiftly it moved for there only being about 20 nurses drawing blood. I got my results back within 12 hours. Luckily, they were negative, although it doesn’t mean much after only working two days in the school.

Friday came and I felt really good about the classes I taught that day. I had a short day, so I came home to eat lunch. My phone buzzed and I saw I had some new messages from my coworkers. “Guys, they’re going to change everything again.” Class sizes have to be changed, which means: new student groupings, and using the gym as a classroom. My coworker said both our coordinator and the students were crying. In this moment, I stopped the self-pity party (only briefly). I realized how difficult this situation is not only for me but for everyone. I think in some way we can’t help being a little self-centered during these times. Everyone is overcome with the uncertainty and stress that comes with adapting to an unforeseen and never-before-seen global event.

If you think the story’s over there, it’s not. I turned on the news.

“Madrid confina a 850.000 habitantes en 37 zonas de 6 distritos y 8 municipios.”

(Madrid confines 850,000 habitants in 37 zones of 6 districts and 8 municipalities).

And yes, you guessed it! The neighborhood I work in is one of the confined neighborhoods! It doesn’t mean much since people can still travel for work and school. What it does mean is that I’m working in one of the neighborhoods with the highest case numbers in Madrid.

As for the rest of Madrid, publics parks are now closed and bars will close at 10pm. We can only meet in groups of up to 6 people, unless of course you are teaching! Then, you can have multiple groups of 20 students who aren’t wearing masks!

I don’t really have a resolution. I am so painfully aware that this entire post is me complaining about my life. I also just thought it would be interesting to hear about a teacher’s experience in a different country. Please know that this is my personal experience and that even the other English teachers in my school would have written a completely different reflection. I would also like to acknowledge that I am grateful to even have a job during this time especially in a field I love! It just feels extra challenging as a person living abroad as an “essential worker”. Hopefully, with time things will become easier to handle or at least I’ll be able to write that I’m very adaptable on my next resume.

Peace & Love,

Anna

4th Annual Self-Reflection Survey

I was just sitting on the couch thinking  to myself  about how much life has changed from a year ago. Then, I remembered it was time for the survey.

 1.Where are you right now? What are you doing?

2017: Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

2018: It’s 10:20 pm on a Sunday night. I’m in Changwon, South Korea. I’m looking for places to live in Madrid (where I move in 2.5 months). I am wearing a grey T-shirt and underwear and that’s it. Also, not sure why I felt the need to mention what I was wearing in the past because it is not part of the question.

2019: It’s 1:32 pm on a Friday afternoon. I’m in a cafe in Spain drinking iced coffee and dying from the sweltering heat, but more than happy to be back for my second year here.

2020: It’s 5:26 pm on a Friday. I’m cozy on the couch with a cup of coffee and a blanket.  I’m in Zumaia, a quiet beachy town on the northern coast of Spain. I’ve been here three weeks now working as an aupair.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

2017: Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

2018: These days a normal day starts at 7:30 am. I get up and ready by 8:30. I usually grab a breakfast sandwich on my way to school. I start teaching at 9:10. I teach my kinder class until 2:30, then I teach elementary classes until 6:10 with some breaks in between. I get home by 6:40pm which gives me enough time to eat and relax before doing it all again. I still watch a lot of YouTube. I also started watching a lot of series on Netflix which I never did before.

(Currently obsessed with Orphan Black)

2019: A normal day (during the school year) starts at 7:30 am. I eat breakfast and head to the train station for my 35 minute commute to work. I stay working with my 4th and 5th graders until around 2pm. I come home for “lunch” at around 3 and a siesta before heading back out to do my private classes. Then, I have an evening walk home. Probably my favorite part of the day. Right now, I’m “funemployed” and on hunt for a summer job.

2020: For the past few weeks, my life has revolved a lot around cooking, cleaning, and going to the beach. Since Covid-19 hit, the word  “normal” doesn’t really exist. My schedule has been constantly changing since March.

3. What is your relationships status? How do you feel about it?

2017: I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

2018: I am so extremely single. I am still learning a lot about myself some of which needs to be figured out before I get into a relationship again. I am not actively dating or seeking any relationship but am open to what the universe has planned for me. It doesn’t feel like the right time because of my move to Spain. I never dated in Korea because I could always see the expiration date. My life seems very transitional at the moment which doesn’t seem conducive to a relationship. Of course there are times I miss the comfort of a relationship, but most days I am happy with my freedom.

2019: Still single (lol). The past year I have been more open to dating. I have gone on a few dates but find the cultural differences to be quite off-putting. I also find it odd to date in such a transitive stage of my life, but I am working on letting go of that. I am working on bettering myself so that when I do find the right person, I’m ready. Still enjoying being single.

2020: Still single! Last year, I went on a few first dates and one second date. This year, I found someone who kept my interest a little longer. I also found out dating can actually be fun (especially when a cute boy makes you tiramisu or you ride through Madrid on a motorcycle at night). I’ve been learning a lot about myself in the process but still have a lot of learning (and unlearning) to do. 

4. Are you happy?

2017: Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

2018: I am happy, but it is happiness I didn’t expect. It is the same happiness I felt before. I think I expected everything to be new, different, and full of joy but the truth is after living in another country for a year you become accustomed to your surroundings. Even though it’s only been a short time, you quickly remember that this is your life and just because you’re thousands of miles away doesn’t mean you’re on vacation. I experience so much joy every day spending time with my students who are truly my best friends in Korea. I am happy but it is a familiar feeling.

2019: Yes, I’m so happy. I am so grateful for the life I’ve built in Spain. Every time I walk through the city, I feel immensely grateful. My happiness stems from my gratitude. Of course, there are things that have happened that make me sad, but I have found joy in all the good which outweighs the bad.

2020: Before writing my new answer, I have to say that I am really surprised by my answer from last year.  At that time, I was in one of the darkest places I’ve ever been. I couldn’t sleep and some days my body would physically hurt. I would have paid a million dollars to shut my brain off for just five minutes. I’m glad I was still able to see the light. I’m grateful to the friends who helped me out of that time. I’m also grateful for the gift of time that allows me to see everything happened for a reason. I thought this year was doomed after 3 months trapped in my closet of a bedroom, but things have been looking up. I’m lucky, grateful, and still happy.

5. What are your beliefs?

2017: The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

2018: I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. People bring us joy; they teach us lessons. Don’t force staying where you are. Force growth and challenges that will bring you rewarding people and opportunities.

2019: First of all, why did my belief from last year just smack me in the face? A year later and I still needed that. Now to answer the question…I believe that gratitude is the key to life, happiness, and self-acceptance. If you can live in a state of constant gratitude, bad things still happen, but you can learn from them and know that more good is coming.

2020: I believe that if you’re not learning, you’re dying. I believe that we should challenge our own beliefs. During the last few weeks, some of my beliefs around love and parenthood have been tested. I’m glad they have. Not all beliefs are beneficial. It’s good to take a look at the ones that are harming us and work to change the narrative.

6. What are you most proud of in your life?

2017: I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

2018: I am proud of myself for persevering. I did a hard thing and I did it well. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and riding the waves of consequence that risk held for me. I saw many people who couldn’t do it and I’m happy that I did. I’m proud of myself for embracing and participating in a new culture, language, and lifestyle. I’m proud I didn’t quit when others did.

2019: I’m proud of myself for working hard to learn a skill. This past year I focused on learning Spanish. I read newspapers, books, took classes, and I have improved so much. I’ve also worked a lot on self-acceptance this year. I have a long ways to go but I’ve made big strides. I’m at peace with my body for the first time in a long time

2020: This year I’m proud of myself for surviving. Since August of last year, I have fought so many internal battles. I made myself extremely busy to avoid being alone with the  thoughts in my head. In short, I was trying to avoid me. Flash-forward to being inside for  almost 2 months without even being able to walk outside. It was like holding a mirror to myself, not just any mirror, one of those make up mirrors that show you your pores up close. It forced me to slow down and ask myself questions and this time there was no escaping the answers. The past year has not been easy, but I’m proud of my growth!

7. How do you picture your life a year from now?

2017: A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

2018: It’s so crazy to think how much in a year. Most of my predictions for this year were correct. I have so many new friends and am definitely dreading leaving my babies. By next year, I think I will have finished my new program in Spain. I think I will be applying for a Master’s program in Education/TEFL. It’s very possible that this could be abroad or an online program so I can travel.

2019: Currently enrolled in an online teaching certification program. Starting to think a psychic because my yearly predictions are getting pretty good. By next year, I think I will be studying for my teaching exams. In terms of location, I have no idea. I am going to get my EU passport this year which gives me more opportunity in Europe, but I can also see myself coming back to the states and settling somewhere with family in Colorado.

2020: This will be my third year in Madrid and although I love it, I think I’ve got just one more year left in me. I’d love to see a new city in Spain, but at this rate I wouldn’t be surprised if I stay either. I kind of hope I don’t.

8. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

2017: Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

2018: Don’t hold on to the past. Don’t hold on to people who aren’t on your side. Embrace the newness and know what’s coming is so amazing. You will make friends with people from all over the world and from all walks of life. Whenever one door, closes another opens.

2019: It is impossible to avoid pain. You can try to avoid things like dating to keep yourself from getting hurt, but life has a funny way of sneaking it in anyways. So don’t be afraid and try everything. You’re going to get hurt anyway, and you might as well do it having fun.

2020:

1. Don’t force things. Focus on the people who want to stay. Focus on the people that find  you easy to love, or are at least up for the challenge of loving you. Be okay with knowing not everyone is going to like you. If everyone loves you, it’s probably because you’re abandoning yourself, which, to be honest, you are. Examine that. 

2. You can not force someone to understand your pain. You’ll make a fool of yourself trying to make it happen. You won’t always get the explanation you think you deserve. Love yourself enough to stop fighting an invisible fight.

9. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

2019: 1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

2018: I still standby my previous comments but would like to add something. The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that you can’t run away from your problems. I have met so many people who came here to escape things from back home (partially including myself). The truth is your life is your life no matter where you go and although changing your surroundings can be helpful, you can not escape anything (especially in this day and age with the technology that connects us).  Although it may nice to have a break from certain people and places, overall you either carry your problems with you or create new ones in your new home. The most important thing you can do is feel your feelings. Don’t ignore what you’re going through.

2019: Nothing lasts forever. Live in the present and fully enjoy each beautiful phase of your life. Be grateful. Mourn the changes but be open to new and equally amazing things.

2020: Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, and it’s probably for the best. Time will show you her reasons.

10. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

2017: In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

2018: I hope by this time next year I am a high level Spanish speaker. My profesional goal for Spain is to increase my language abilities. Personally, I would like to continue coming out of my shell. In Korea, I definitely said “eff it” a lot and was able to let my guard down. I felt pretty confident in my skin but I would like to embrace myself even more. I would like to say yes to as many opportunities and experiences as I can. I hope I will have seen at least 5 more countries!

2019: I hope by next year I have completed my teaching program and found the correct next step for me whether in Spain or elsewhere. I hope I have gotten my German passport and continued increasing my Spanish level. I want to have a different but equally valuable experience. I would love to make it to the African continent by the end of next year.

2020:  I’m happy to say that I finished my program and got my passport. My Spanish has definitely improved, but I did not make it to Africa. (Thank you, COVID!)

Next year, I want to have my own classroom and have finished my exams!

11.Write the words you need to hear.

2017: Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que será, será!

2018: Everything will happen in it’s right time. Focus on now. Take it one day at a time. We can’t predict the future or change the past. Opportunities will reveal themselves in due time. Also, crying is okay and know that the reason you are struggling is because saying goodbye to people you love so fiercely is daunting but be glad you even had the opportunity to spread and receive that kind of love.

2019: Don’t apologize for who you truly are. Not everyone is going to love you but there are so many that do. Focus on those people.

2020: It’s okay for you to adjust your timeline. There’s a pandemic happening.

Until next year,

Anna

Today I noticed… (Day 1)

Today I noticed that there’s no real way to say “never mind” in Spanish. This plagues me as a person who tends to change their mind every other waking minute of the day. My Spanish teacher once told me that words are created out of necessity. So, what does that say about Spanish speakers? Do they take the time to carefully plot out every word they say? Could be why they’re such slow texters.  What does that say about me and my constant need to edit and/or retract so many of my half-assed messages? Maybe it means  they’re unafraid. It could also mean that I’m over-afraid, stuck overanalyzing ten different ways my message might have been misconstrued.

Thank God for the erase button on WhatsApp. ¿Eliminar este mensaje?  That must be the closest thing to “never mind” here. Maybe, they just don’t mind? But, I mind. I always-mind.

¿Eliminar este mensaje? Yes, delete. Delete for me, them, and anyone else who might have laid eyes on it. Give me a chance to say it over and maybe, mean it this time.

Coron-tined

Well, what started as funny meme content has turned to real life all too quickly. Let me start with a quick timeline of events.

Monday, March 9, 2020: It was a normal day. I went to school and did my private after-school class before going to meet a new couple who wanted English lessons. We sat outside on a teraza, drinking and chatting about current events. At this point, the number of Covid-19 cases had been rising at an only mildly alarming rate. We talked about how schools we’re talking about closing, but nothing was sure yet. At the end of our hour long class, I checked my phone. “I have forty messages,” I told them. “So popular,” they joked. I called my friend Cath on my way to meet her for diner, “Are you already there?” I asked. I was running behind. “No, I’m just leaving. I was watching the news.” I didn’t think anything of it, until 5 minutes into our conversation she says, “Oh, you still don’t know…” Within the hour I was teaching, all schools in Madrid had been closed due to the virus. We were left with a series of questions and not a lot of answers. All we knew was the next day we were supposed to come in, and starting Wednesday the kids were staying home.

Tuesday, March 10,  2020: Tuesday was more-or-less normal. I still had to work. I finally called my mom to let her know what was going on. The week before I had received a text  from her asking me to come home for the next six months until everything blew over. I calmed her fears and my own, “Everyone’s overreacting,” until suddenly they’re not. I decided it was best to stay here and ride it out. The kids were a bit crazy, as any kid who was just gifted a so-called two-week vacation would be. The news was still saying that teachers had to come into work without the students, so I went.

Wednesday, March 11, 2020: We had basically been told that we would be able to work from home. So I marched into work, expecting to receive instructions on what I could do at home. Then an inspector called and said all teachers were still required to come into work. The teachers were angry and complained, rightfully so. Why would we need to expose ourselves to the germs in the school and public transport,  if we could do our jobs from home? In typical Spanish fashion, we all went to the bar across the street instead of working. By the end of the day and tons of back and forth, it was confirmed that we could stay home.

Thursday, March 12, 2020: On this day, I realized the situation was bad, but was still partially in denial. I woke up to 2,000 cases in our tiny country. I did my quarantine-shop just in case. I kept calling it “my last day of freedom”. My friends and I hung out in the park and went to dinner. When I got home, I saw the hashtag #yomequedoencasa (I’m staying home) going around. I knew this is where we were heading. The next morning, the number of cases was at 3,200. This changed everything.

And basically, all of this leads up till now. I’ve watched 3,000 changed to 4,000, 4,000 to 5,000, and now just a few days later, we’re just shy of 8,000. As of tomorrow, the government has told us we cannot leave the house for basically any reason except groceries or the hospital. Everything is closed. The streets are empty, and I’m home watching everything happening in Italy as a “What to Expect” manual because I know we are only footsteps behind them. I’m bored out of my mind and am positive that I will not be back at work on March 26th (our current expected return date).

Selfishly, I’m sad because the most beautiful time in Madrid will now be spent inside. I’m not even supposed to see my friends and I’m scared of how everything will affect my mental-health. I like to stay busy. I like to move around. I’m scared I’ll have to leave Spain if this continues. I’m scared of the global impact on the economy and my personal financial situation. Most English teachers in Madrid make a good percentage of their income from private classes. This is where my spending money comes from. Of course, all of those classes have been canceled, and luckily, I have nothing to spend money on from inside my house.  But, I am scared by the uncertainty it all brings. I was supposed to be working in Italy this summer, that now seems like a  pipe-dream. I just landed a job that was supposed to keep me in Madrid next year. I started training last week and now everything is halted.

In spite of my whiny rant, I want to say how lucky I am. Lucky, that I get to stay home unlike grocery workers, pharmacists, doctors, nurses, etc. Lucky, that my main job will pay me during this month. Lucky, to be stuck in the city I love more than anything. Lucky, that I’m in good health, and that nobody I know has been affected yet.

As for my American friends,  listen to what they’re advising. It seems like the are being more proactive (compared to Spain and Italy which have been reactive). It seems silly now, but social-distance yourself before it’s mandatory. Hopefully, you can avoid some of this craziness. It can happen faster than you think.

Wash your hands,

Anna

 

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How I Went From “Health Coach” to Anti-Diet Culture

This blog actually started as a health and fitness blog. That was before I packed up my bags and decided that there was more to life than being skinny.

If you knew me then, I’m sorry. Thank you for sticking around.

Let me start off by saying, it wasn’t all bad. I learned so many beautiful things, met so many beautiful people, but in the end I knew I wasn’t living my truth. I don’t want this to seem like an attack on any particular person(s), because it isn’t. This isn’t a story about glorifying obesity, hating on fitness, or a healthy lifestyle.

This is a story about realizing that if our body is working and doing what we need it to do, we’re probably already more healthy than we think we are. This is a story about weight and how it isn’t the greatest indicator of health. This is a story about how when we think we are seeking “health” through fad dieting, there’s really a lot more that we’re looking for. This is a story about realizing that what we really need can’t be found through restriction, micromanaging, and obsession with our appearance.

This is not a story designed to ruin, defame, or degrade anyone. This is a story to set myself and others free.

Let’s begin.

Like most every other person in the world, I have struggled with self-esteem and body image issues since I was far too young. I remember crying in the dressing rooms in middle school because I thought I was fat. I wasn’t. So when I was 21 and the biggest I had ever been in my life, someone approached me about a supplement company that was working well for them. (I won’t be naming the company, though if you know me I’m sure you know it. This is not a criticism of this specific company but the industry as a whole). To be fair…when I look back on that time, I know I wasn’t healthy. I was binge eating, drinking venti frappucinos every day, and not moving my body nearly as much as I should have been. I was about 25 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Side note: Only you know your body. Weight is not always the best indicator, but I personally felt unhealthy and unhappy with my body.

So, I started using the products, and they worked. I lost a significant amount of weight in my first month. I had also joined a group of incredible people, who were all working together- not only to lose weight but to better their minds as well. We focused on staying positive and setting goals in and outside of the gym. I felt amazing, so when they asked me if I wanted to keep losing weight, feeling, good, and make money. I was sold.

Of course, when money is involved there’s no way to keep your intentions pure.  I had brainwashed myself into thinking I was helping people when I was just trying to pay my bills. Does it mean I didn’t care about them? No. But, did I have ulterior motives? Yes. I know it sounds ugly, but it’s the truth. One I couldn’t see until a long time after this all ended. Hindsight is 20/20.

So, I messaged tons of people (people who were not asking to be messaged), pried on their insecurities, and got them to join. I was good at it because somehow 6 months went by and I had lost 50 pounds. I was the poster child for success. I had never seen myself so skinny. I had never seen myself so strong. I had never seen myself so motivated. I suppose that was attractive to people, so they joined me. 

People in my life were mostly supportive. People who didn’t want to join told me so nicely or ignored my messages. I felt great until one day when I had messaged a girl I went to high school with. This girl was bigger and an obvious target for someone selling a weightloss product.”Fuck you.” she replied. Actually she replied, with paragraphs about how rude and wrong my message was. But those words stuck with me and I’ll never forget them. My business partners told me it reflected her, not me. I cried that night. In my mind, I was sharing the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, and she received it as a personal attack. Only now, can I understand where she was coming from.

All the while, I thought I was different. I thought I was promoting a body positive healthy life style. When my team and I created weight loss challenges, I vetoed ideas such as the “bikini body challenge” and refused to promote the fat burners that the company sold.

I became more and more obsessed. I glossed over the red flags. There were many.

To name a few:

• The time I heard two coaches talking about how the ingredients in the products weren’t very good in the USA after constantly posting about how they were so clean and backed by scientists and doctors.
• A coach once telling me that this company was not for people who wanted to be “really” healthy.
• The team relationship being seemingly conditional to you showing up to every event.
• Coaches thinking it was impossible that the product couldn’t work for someone even if they followed the step by step instructions

What was the last straw for me, though? Bananas.

People started posting infographics in our Facebook page about what fruits to avoid in order to achieve the best results.

Don’t eat a banana. Too much sugar.

In that moment, the illusion was shattered. What I thought was about being healthy clearly was not and I knew I couldn’t go back. I slowly started distancing myself from it all, which fortunately coincided with my move to the other side of the world. It’s been about two years removed from it. So what have I learned? Or maybe a better question, what have I unlearned?

I realized that if we really want to support and love other women we can’t be part of a system that profits off of our insecurities. If every person on this earth ate the exact same food, we would all have different bodies. So why was I dedicating my whole life to make my body the way it wasn’t meant to be? Why are so many women doing this? We spend years trying to lose the last 10 pounds. So many of us claim it’s in the name of health. But the truth is a difference that small is not affecting our health. Is it going to add years to our life? If my body can do the things I want and need it to do, that is a healthy body. When we think of healthy, we think of no fat, muscles, and six-pack abs. The truth is those people eat and train to look a certain way. They are not the epitome of health. There are Olympic athletes who have accomplished crazy feats who have a body composition many would view as “unhealthy”. How do we define health? Strength, endurance, physical appearance?

I also realized that I have the same amount of days that I don’t love my body now as I did when I was living in society’s “ideal” body. No-one is going to love themselves every day. There are an increasing amount of women who are refusing to hate their bodies. Join them. Follow them. Unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself. Eat intuitively. Move your body when you can, don’t force yourself or feel guilty for not doing it. Wear what you want. Listen to Lizzo.

I haven’t weighed myself in well over a year, but I would dare to guess that I’ve gained about half of the 60 pounds I lost back. I’ve gained a lot more than that. I’ve gained experiences that people can only dream of… living abroad in two different countries and exploring countless others. I’ve gained friends from all over the world. I’ve gained a passion for my career. I’ve gained true love and acceptance for myself for the first time ever in my life. I only hope you’ve gained something from this too.

Thank you.

Peace & Love,

Anna

3rd Annual Reflection Survey

This will be my 3rd annual introspective survey. Last year, it was about the lessons of my first year abroad. Now, I’ve completed my second year abroad in a completely different country. I’m excited to revisit my old answers and see what I’ve learned throughout the past year.

 1.Where are you right now? What are you doing?

2017: Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

2018: It’s 10:20 pm on a Sunday night. I’m in Changwon, South Korea. I’m looking for places to live in Madrid (where I move in 2.5 months). I am wearing a grey T-shirt and underwear and that’s it. Also, not sure why I felt the need to mention what I was wearing in the past because it is not part of the question.

2019: It’s 1:32 pm on a Friday afternoon. I’m in a cafe in Spain drinking iced coffee and dying from the sweltering heat, but more than happy to be back for my second year here.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

2017: Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

2018: These days a normal day starts at 7:30 am. I get up and ready by 8:30. I usually grab a breakfast sandwich on my way to school. I start teaching at 9:10. I teach my kinder class until 2:30, then I teach elementary classes until 6:10 with some breaks in between. I get home by 6:40pm which gives me enough time to eat and relax before doing it all again. I still watch a lot of YouTube. I also started watching a lot of series on Netflix which I never did before.

(Currently obsessed with Orphan Black)

2019: A normal day (during the school year) starts at 7:30 am. I eat breakfast and head to the train station for my 35 minute commute to work. I stay working with my 4th and 5th graders until around 2pm. I come home for “lunch” at around 3 and a siesta before heading back out to do my private classes. Then, I have an evening walk home. Probably my favorite part of the day. Right now, I’m “funemployed” and on hunt for a summer job.

3. What is your relationships status? How do you feel about it?

2017: I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

2018: I am so extremely single. I am still learning a lot about myself some of which needs to be figured out before I get into a relationship again. I am not actively dating or seeking any relationship but am open to what the universe has planned for me. It doesn’t feel like the right time because of my move to Spain. I never dated in Korea because I could always see the expiration date. My life seems very transitional at the moment which doesn’t seem conducive to a relationship. Of course there are times I miss the comfort of a relationship, but most days I am happy with my freedom.

2019: Still single (lol). The past year I have been more open to dating. I have gone on a few dates but find the cultural differences to be quite off-putting. I also find it odd to date in such a transitive stage of my life, but I am working on letting go of that. I am working on bettering myself so that when I do find the right person, I’m ready. Still enjoying being single.

4. Are you happy?

2017: Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

2018: I am happy, but it is happiness I didn’t expect. It is the same happiness I felt before. I think I expected everything to be new, different, and full of joy but the truth is after living in another country for a year you become accustomed to your surroundings. Even though it’s only been a short time, you quickly remember that this is your life and just because you’re thousands of miles away doesn’t mean you’re on vacation. I experience so much joy every day spending time with my students who are truly my best friends in Korea. I am happy but it is a familiar feeling.

2019: Yes, I’m so happy. I am so grateful for the life I’ve built in Spain. Every time I walk through the city, I feel immensely grateful. My happiness stems from my gratitude. Of course, there are things that have happened that make me sad, but I have found joy in all the good which outweighs the bad.

5. What are your beliefs?

2017: The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

2018: I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. People bring us joy; they teach us lessons. Don’t force staying where you are. Force growth and challenges that will bring you rewarding people and opportunities.

2019: First of all, why did my belief from last year just smack me in the face? A year later and I still needed that. Now to answer the question…I believe that gratitude is the key to life, happiness, and self-acceptance. If you can live in a state of constant gratitude, bad things still happen, but you can learn from them and know that more good is coming.

6. What are you most proud of in your life?

2017: I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

2018: I am proud of myself for persevering. I did a hard thing and I did it well. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and riding the waves of consequence that risk held for me. I saw many people who couldn’t do it and I’m happy that I did. I’m proud of myself for embracing and participating in a new culture, language, and lifestyle. I’m proud I didn’t quit when others did.

2019: I’m proud of myself for working hard to learn a skill. This past year I focused on learning Spanish. I read newspapers, books, took classes, and I have improved so much. I’ve also worked a lot on self-acceptance this year. I have a long ways to go but I’ve made big strides. I’m at peace with my body for the first time in a long time

7. How do you picture your life a year from now?

2017: A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

2018: It’s so crazy to think how much in a year. Most of my predictions for this year were correct. I have so many new friends and am definitely dreading leaving my babies. By next year, I think I will have finished my new program in Spain. I think I will be applying for a Master’s program in Education/TEFL. It’s very possible that this could be abroad or an online program so I can travel.

2019: Currently enrolled in an online teaching certification program. Starting to think a psychic because my yearly predictions are getting pretty good. By next year, I think I will be studying for my teaching exams. In terms of location, I have no idea. I am going to get my EU passport this year which gives me more opportunity in Europe, but I can also see myself coming back to the states and settling somewhere with family in Colorado.

8. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

2017: Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

2018: Don’t hold on to the past. Don’t hold on to people who aren’t on your side. Embrace the newness and know what’s coming is so amazing. You will make friends with people from all over the world and from all walks of life. Whenever one door, closes another opens.

2019: It is impossible to avoid pain. You can try to avoid things like dating to keep yourself from getting hurt, but life has a funny way of sneaking it in anyways. So don’t be afraid and try everything. You’re going to get hurt anyway, and you might as well do it having fun.

9. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

2019: 1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

2018: I still standby my previous comments but would like to add something. The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that you can’t run away from your problems. I have met so many people who came here to escape things from back home (partially including myself). The truth is your life is your life no matter where you go and although changing your surroundings can be helpful, you can not escape anything (especially in this day and age with the technology that connects us).  Although it may nice to have a break from certain people and places, overall you either carry your problems with you or create new ones in your new home. The most important thing you can do is feel your feelings. Don’t ignore what you’re going through.

2019: Nothing lasts forever. Live in the present and fully enjoy each beautiful phase of your life. Be grateful. Mourn the changes but be open to new and equally amazing things.

10. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

2017: In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

2018: I hope by this time next year I am a high level Spanish speaker. My profesional goal for Spain is to increase my language abilities. Personally, I would like to continue coming out of my shell. In Korea, I definitely said “eff it” a lot and was able to let my guard down. I felt pretty confident in my skin but I would like to embrace myself even more. I would like to say yes to as many opportunities and experiences as I can. I hope I will have seen at least 5 more countries!

2019: I hope by next year I have completed my teaching program and found the correct next step for me whether in Spain or elsewhere. I hope I have gotten my German passport and continued increasing my Spanish level. I want to have a different but equally valuable experience. I would love to make it to the African continent by the end of next year.

 

11.Write the words you need to hear.

2017: Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que será, será!

2018: Everything will happen in it’s right time. Focus on now. Take it one day at a time. We can’t predict the future or change the past. Opportunities will reveal themselves in due time. Also, crying is okay and know that the reason you are struggling is because saying goodbye to people you love so fiercely is daunting but be glad you even had the opportunity to spread and receive that kind of love.

2019: Don’t apologize for who you truly are. Not everyone is going to love you but there are so many that do. Focus on those people.

 

Peace & Love,

Anna

36 Hours in Porto – Part 1

If you know me, you know my immeasurable love for Portugal. If you don’t know me, allow me to explain. Two and a half years ago I spent a month in Lisbon for a short-term study abroad experience. It was my first real experience being abroad and my first time away from home for such a long period of time. My time in Portugal taught me so much in such a short period. It opened my eyes to the world and showed me that I wanted to see as much of it as I could. I left from that trip a changed person. About a year after I returned, I booked a trip to Peru; 3 months after that, I moved to Korea.

Now that I’m living in Spain, I knew I had to return to Portugal as soon as I could, but I also wanted to see something I hadn’t seen before. So with a long weekend approaching, I booked a flight to Porto. I met some other girls in a Madrid Facebook group (who would be solo traveling as well ) and we planned a little weekend together.

As soon as I landed, I knew it was pastry time. Portugal is famous for Pastèis de Nata but I went for my favorite Pão de Deus. It’s a soft bread with coconut and sugar on top. During my trip I learned that it’s name (Bread of God) was given because it was the Portuguese nuns who originally made it. They gave it to the churchgoers in exchange for their donations. Anyways, I grabbed it at the first bakery I saw and headed for the first blue tile wall I saw to take this picture.

After devouring my bread, I started walking towards my hostel. I was confused since my maps kept leading me to the train station. I wasn’t in a hurry though so I stopped to see more of Portugal’s iconic blue tiles in what has to be one of the most beautiful train stations to exist. Eventually, I swallowed my pride and asked an information desk where in the world my hostel might be. To my surprise, it was actually in the train station. Later, I found out that the station used to be a convent. When the city tried to turn it into a train station, the only existing nun left at the convent refused to leave. She lived by herself in the massive building for 25 more years until she passed away and they were finally able to convert the building.

After settling in at the hostel, I met up with the girls I had met online for a Port wine tasting. (The tour group was called Porto Walkers and I totally recommend them if you’re ever there!) We went to three different houses on the Gaia side of the river. All Port houses are actually in Gaia, not in Porto, because when it was first being produced the Vatican was in control of Porto and had higher taxes for alcohol than the other side of the river. Port wine is very strong and has a high alcohol percentage due to the brandy that is mixed in. It has a much sweeter flavor than a normal wine, especially the reserve wines which ferment for many more years. I liked a few of the drinks but for the most part I don’t think Port will be my new go to drink. I’m glad I learned about it though as it seems to be intertwined with the city’s rich history.

After the tour, we went back to my friends hostel where I tried yet another Port drink, mixed with tonic water, which I liked much more. Then we went for dinner and walked around the streets just looking at all the Christmas lights which were beautiful.

After walking around, I was very tired and decided to go back to my hostel for the night. I knew my next day was going to be busy since we had a walking tour planned.

But, I’ll save that for the next post.

Peace & Love,

Anna

Answering the Same Questions (One Year Later)

One year ago, I answered a list of questions to compare my life before and after living in Korea. Does moving to the other side of the world really change your life as much as you think it will? Just because you’re chasing a new opportunity, will you magically be happy all the time? These were my questions. Here are the results.

These questions were answered a few weeks ago. I have been formatting and editing this post since which is why some of the timing may not make sense for the present day/time.

1.Where are you right now? What are you doing?

Before: Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

Currently: It’s 10:20 pm on a Sunday night. I’m in Changwon, South Korea. I’m looking for places to live in Madrid (where I move in 2.5 months). I am wearing a grey T-shirt and underwear and that’s it. Also, not sure why I felt the need to mention what I was wearing in the past because it is not part of the question.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

Before: Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

Currently: These days a normal day starts at 7:30 am. I get up and ready by 8:30. I usually grab a breakfast sandwich on my way to school. I start teaching at 9:10. I teach my kinder class until 2:30, then I teach elementary classes until 6:10 with some breaks in between. I get home by 6:40pm which gives me enough time to eat and relax before doing it all again. I still watch a lot of YouTube. I also started watching a lot of series on Netflix which I never did before.

(Currently obsessed with Orphan Black)

3. What is your relationships status? How do you feel about it?

Before: I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

Currently: I am so extremely single. I am still learning a lot about myself some of which needs to be figured out before I get into a relationship again. I am not actively dating or seeking any relationship but am open to what the universe has planned for me. It doesn’t feel like the right time because of my move to Spain. I never dated in Korea because I could always see the expiration date. My life seems very transitional at the moment which doesn’t seem conducive to a relationship. Of course there are times I miss the comfort of a relationship, but most days I am happy with my freedom.

4. Are you happy?

 Before: Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

Currently: I am happy, but it is happiness I didn’t expect. It is the same happiness I felt before. I think I expected everything to be new, different, and full of joy but the truth is after living in another country for a year you become accustomed to your surroundings. Even though it’s only been a short time, you quickly remember that this is your life and just because you’re thousands of miles away doesn’t mean you’re on vacation. I experience so much joy every day spending time with my students who are truly my best friends in Korea. I am happy but it is a familiar feeling.

5. What are your beliefs?

Before: The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

Currently: I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason. People bring us joy; they teach us lessons. Don’t force staying where you are. Force growth and challenges that will bring you rewarding people are opportunities.

6. What are you most proud of in your life?

Before: I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

Currently: I am proud of myself for persevering. I did a hard thing and I did it well. I am proud of myself for taking a risk and riding the waves of consequence that risk held for me. I saw many people who couldn’t do it and I’m happy that I did. I’m proud of myself for embracing and participating in a new culture, language, and lifestyle. I’m proud I didn’t quit when others did.

7. How do you picture your life a year from now?

Before: A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

Currently: It’s so crazy to think how much in a year. Most of my predictions for this year were correct. I have so many new friends and am definitely dreading leaving my babies. By next year, I think I will have finished my new program in Spain. I think I will be applying for a Master’s program in Education/TEFL. It’s very possible that this could be abroad or an online program so I can travel.

8. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

Before: Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

Currently: Don’t hold on to the past. Don’t hold on to people who aren’t on your side. Embrace the newness and know what’s coming is so amazing. You will make friends with people from all over the world and from all walks of life. Whenever one door, closes another opens.

9. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

Before: 1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

Currently: I still standby my previous comments but would like to add something. The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that you can’t run away from your problems. I have met so many people who came here to escape things from back home (partially including myself). The truth is your life is your life no matter where you go and although changing your surroundings can be helpful, you can not escape anything (especially in this day and age with the technology that connects us).  Although it may nice to have a break from certain people and places, overall you either carry your problems with you or create new ones in your new home. The most important thing you can do is feel your feelings. Don’t ignore what you’re going through.

10. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

Before: In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

Currently: I hope by this time next year I am a high level Spanish speaker. My profesional goal for Spain is to increase my language abilities. Personally, I would like to continue coming out of my shell. In Korea, I definitely said “eff it” a lot and was able to let my guard down. I felt pretty confident in my skin but I would like to embrace myself even more. I would like to say yes to as many opportunities and experiences as I can. I hope I will have seen at least 5 more countries!

11.Write the words you need to hear.

Before: Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que sera, sera!

Currently: Everything will happen in it’s right time. Focus on now. Take it one day at a time. We can’t predict the future or change the past. Opportunities will reveal themselves in due time. Also, crying is okay and know that the reason you are struggling is because saying goodbye to people you love so fiercely is daunting but be glad you even had the opportunity to spread and receive that kind of love.

Excited to see where I will go.

Peace & Love,

Anna

Taipei Day 1

I ended my last post saying I was going to Taichung, but after seeing that there wasn’t much to do I switched my ticket to head on to Taipei. It ended up being a great choice because it was the last day during my time here without forecasted rain.

The train ride was quick and easy- taking just under an hour and fourty-five minutes from Kaohsiung. I stared out the window and watched endless rice paddies fly by.

After arriving I checked into my hostel which has to be the nicest one I’ve ever stayed in. I charged my phone a bit, then went for a walk through the 228 Peace Park. After walking around and stumbling upon a Taiwanese choir, I decided to go in the National Museum which was just in front of the park. It wasn’t anything too special but it was air conditioned so I call that a win!After waiting 15 minutes at the wrong bus stop I decided to take a taxi to a different historical area. When I got out, I realized I had left my tripod in the car. I got a bubble tea to ease my grumpiness and kept marching on. I stumbled upon the beautiful Langsung Temple . I walked through, but it was very crowded. I felt like an intruder among the many Buddhists there to pray and set out their offerings, so I exited quickly.

Next, I headed back to the main station near my hostel where they have an underground mall. Luckily, I found another tripod so my mood improved. I rested my feet for a few hours before heading to Elephant Mountain. It was still well over 90 degrees at 5 pm when I started this “hike”. I say “hike” in quotations because it’s literally just a never ending staircase of doom and death. I have never sweat so much in my life, but I did feel accomplished at the top. Also, I made a friend who gave me a cold beer which definitely improved the situation. You can clearly see the Taipei 101 which was the world’s tallest building (from 2004-2010) until the Burj Khalifa came along. Now, it’s the 10th tallest in the world!

After the grueling climb, I was starving and headed for my DVB (Daily Vegan Burger). This one was at a place called Miss Green which was a little more expensive but definitely worth it. The burger itself was bean based which was a contrast to the other two soy based burgers I had eaten previously.

After that I went back to my hostel, barely able to pick up my feet after the twenty-four thousand steps of the day. I think this calls for a foot massage.