This blog actually started as a health and fitness blog. That was before I packed up my bags and decided that there was more to life than being skinny.
If you knew me then, I’m sorry. Thank you for sticking around.
Let me start off by saying, it wasn’t all bad. I learned so many beautiful things, met so many beautiful people, but in the end I knew I wasn’t living my truth. I don’t want this to seem like an attack on any particular person(s), because it isn’t. This isn’t a story about glorifying obesity, hating on fitness, or a healthy lifestyle.
This is a story about realizing that if our body is working and doing what we need it to do, we’re probably already more healthy than we think we are. This is a story about weight and how it isn’t the greatest indicator of health. This is a story about how when we think we are seeking “health” through fad dieting, there’s really a lot more that we’re looking for. This is a story about realizing that what we really need can’t be found through restriction, micromanaging, and obsession with our appearance.
This is not a story designed to ruin, defame, or degrade anyone. This is a story to set myself and others free.
Let’s begin.
Like most every other person in the world, I have struggled with self-esteem and body image issues since I was far too young. I remember crying in the dressing rooms in middle school because I thought I was fat. I wasn’t. So when I was 21 and the biggest I had ever been in my life, someone approached me about a supplement company that was working well for them. (I won’t be naming the company, though if you know me I’m sure you know it. This is not a criticism of this specific company but the industry as a whole). To be fair…when I look back on that time, I know I wasn’t healthy. I was binge eating, drinking venti frappucinos every day, and not moving my body nearly as much as I should have been. I was about 25 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Side note: Only you know your body. Weight is not always the best indicator, but I personally felt unhealthy and unhappy with my body.
So, I started using the products, and they worked. I lost a significant amount of weight in my first month. I had also joined a group of incredible people, who were all working together- not only to lose weight but to better their minds as well. We focused on staying positive and setting goals in and outside of the gym. I felt amazing, so when they asked me if I wanted to keep losing weight, feeling, good, and make money. I was sold.
Of course, when money is involved there’s no way to keep your intentions pure. I had brainwashed myself into thinking I was helping people when I was just trying to pay my bills. Does it mean I didn’t care about them? No. But, did I have ulterior motives? Yes. I know it sounds ugly, but it’s the truth. One I couldn’t see until a long time after this all ended. Hindsight is 20/20.
So, I messaged tons of people (people who were not asking to be messaged), pried on their insecurities, and got them to join. I was good at it because somehow 6 months went by and I had lost 50 pounds. I was the poster child for success. I had never seen myself so skinny. I had never seen myself so strong. I had never seen myself so motivated. I suppose that was attractive to people, so they joined me.
People in my life were mostly supportive. People who didn’t want to join told me so nicely or ignored my messages. I felt great until one day when I had messaged a girl I went to high school with. This girl was bigger and an obvious target for someone selling a weightloss product.”Fuck you.” she replied. Actually she replied, with paragraphs about how rude and wrong my message was. But those words stuck with me and I’ll never forget them. My business partners told me it reflected her, not me. I cried that night. In my mind, I was sharing the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, and she received it as a personal attack. Only now, can I understand where she was coming from.
All the while, I thought I was different. I thought I was promoting a body positive healthy life style. When my team and I created weight loss challenges, I vetoed ideas such as the “bikini body challenge” and refused to promote the fat burners that the company sold.
I became more and more obsessed. I glossed over the red flags. There were many.
To name a few:
- The time I heard two coaches talking about how the ingredients in the products weren’t very good in the USA after constantly posting about how they were so clean and backed by scientists and doctors.
- A coach once telling me that this company was not for people who wanted to be “really” healthy.
- The team relationship being seemingly conditional to you showing up to every event.
- Coaches thinking it was impossible that the product couldn’t work for someone even if they followed the step by step instructions
What was the last straw for me, though? Bananas.
People started posting infographics in our Facebook page about what fruits to avoid in order to achieve the best results.
Don’t eat a banana. Too much sugar.
In that moment, the illusion was shattered. What I thought was about being healthy clearly was not and I knew I couldn’t go back. I slowly started distancing myself from it all, which fortunately coincided with my move to the other side of the world. It’s been about two years removed from it. So what have I learned? Or maybe a better question, what have I unlearned?
I realized that if we really want to support and love other women we can’t be part of a system that profits off of our insecurities. If every person on this earth ate the exact same food, we would all have different bodies. So why was I dedicating my whole life to make my body the way it wasn’t meant to be? Why are so many women doing this? We spend years trying to lose the last 10 pounds. So many of us claim it’s in the name of health. But the truth is a difference that small is not affecting our health. Is it going to add years to our life? If my body can do the things I want and need it to do, that is a healthy body. When we think of healthy, we think of no fat, muscles, and six-pack abs. The truth is those people eat and train to look a certain way. They are not the epitome of health. There are Olympic athletes who have accomplished crazy feats who have a body composition many would view as “unhealthy”. How do we define health? Strength, endurance, physical appearance?
I also realized that I have the same amount of days that I don’t love my body now as I did when I was living in society’s “ideal” body. No-one is going to love themselves every day. There are an increasing amount of women who are refusing to hate their bodies. Join them. Follow them. Unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself. Eat intuitively. Move your body when you can, don’t force yourself or feel guilty for not doing it. Wear what you want. Listen to Lizzo.
I haven’t weighed myself in well over a year, but I would dare to guess that I’ve gained about half of the 60 pounds I lost back. I’ve gained a lot more than that. I’ve gained experiences that people can only dream of… living abroad in two different countries and exploring countless others. I’ve gained friends from all over the world. I’ve gained a passion for my career. I’ve gained true love and acceptance for myself for the first time ever in my life. I only hope you’ve gained something from this too.
Thank you.
Peace & Love,
Anna
My hostel breakfast which included a Taiwanese omelette which was almost like a crepe with egg and cheese.
- Anna Goes Adventuring - 