What I’ve Learned About Relationships From Being Single for 1 Year

One year ago I completely destroyed my “perfect” little life. Really, I should say I took the first step, which was also the biggest and hardest one to take. The breakup.

Coming to the conclusion that I needed to break up with someone was the hardest part. It was almost a year of ignoring the little voice in my head that said, “Maybe this isn’t meant to be your forever.” Breaking up didn’t sound easy, fun, or sensible, so in my brain it wasn’t a possibility. The thoughts kept creeping up on me, in the shower, while driving, while in school. They became harder to ignore and I manifested them into a crippling anxiety that couldn’t be ignored. When my physical heart started hurting and I wasn’t sleeping, I knew it was time to at least consider it. I didn’t talk about it out loud. I kept it in and pushed it down. I couldn’t talk to my friends about it because once it came out of my mouth I knew I would have to face it. But being the over-sharer I am, one day it came out at dinner with a friend and then just a few short days letter it happened.

You may be asking why I’m sharing this when people that I wish wouldn’t will probably read it and it’s all so deeply and painfully personal. Well I have a few answers to that question:

1. I think it could actually really help someone especially people who are like me and had no idea what a break up would actually be like
2. Writing is my therapy
3. Because as horrible as it was my break up was the best thing that ever happened to me

So without further ado I would like to share the 6 biggest lessons I’ve learned about love, relationships, and break ups in the last year.

1. Being in a relationship is not a solution to all of life’s problems.

Our world places a ridiculous amount of pressure on people to be in relationships. They paint this picture that nothing bad can happen to you once you find “the one”. The truth is life will try to knock you down whether you are single or not. Being in a relationship does not protect you from the cruelties of life, so staying in one when it’s not working is only going to cause more trouble.

2. Peace and mourning can co-exist

To quote the iconic adolescent novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

This was another huge lesson for me. I felt like if I was sad I couldn’t possibly be making the right choice. But I noticed that once I faced my fears, confronted my feelings, and just did it, I felt at peace. I also felt so incredibly sad. Healing is not linear and there are definitely still days where I feel sad and some nights where I randomly I cry. However, I am always positive this was the best decision for me because I also feel an overwhelming amount of peace. As soon as I confronted my feelings, my physical anxiety symptoms went away and were replaced by a calm vulnerability.

3. The right decision is often the harder one to make.

It shouldn’t be so hard to leave, but it also shouldn’t be so hard to stay. There’s a difference between working on what you can fix and staying after time has expired. Of course, staying together seems like the easier answer but the harder choice is almost always the better one. Personal growth is right outside your comfort zone and leaving my bubble and facing the hard truth opened the door to many amazing opportunities. Growing is painful but we can be truly happy unless we are progressing. Staying in a dying relationship because it feels better than confronting your feelings will only hurt you more in the end.

4. Trust Yourself.

You shouldn’t have to make a list of pros and cons to decide to stay or go. If your heart says it’s time, then it’s time. I so badly wanted to avoid pain that I literally disconnected myself from my heart even though it was telling me the truth all along. It caused much more damage in the long run and I’m still working to rebuild that connection with myself. Just listen to your gut.

5. You’re allowed to be sad even if you’re the “heartbreaker”.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn and I think it’s actually the reason I lost many friends during this time of my life. Since I was the one breaking up with someone, I really felt as if I had no place to be sad. This was what I “wanted” and so I had to be happy about it. If I was that heartbroken, why would we be breaking up in the first place? It lead me to try to act tougher and happier than I really was. Since in my relationship I had suppressed a lot of emotions, it only felt natural at this point to continue to do so. These shattering life moments don’t come with a rule book, although sometimes society makes it seem that way. If you’re sad, feel sad.

6. Just because it’s not wrong doesn’t mean it’s right!

This was definitely one of the biggest lessons for me and one that I’m still learning fully. It’s easy for friends and family to say, “But he was such a nice guy!” Of course then your brain agrees and decided you’ll never meet a “nice” guy again as if “nice” is the only thing a person needs to be to have a fulfilling relationship. You can have the perfect guy and still not be happy. If he’s not perfect for you, then it’s time to go. Don’t use every bad thing he doesn’t do as an excuse to stay.

You’re still probably wondering why l said my break up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So before I go, let me explain.

My breakup forced me to do something really difficult. Something I really wanted to avoid because of fear and pain. By breaking down that boundary and doing the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, I was set free. Nothing scared me anymore. If I could do that horrifying thing, I could do other scary things too. Things that I would bring me massive joy- like moving to Korea. If I hadn’t had the courage to break up with my ex, I’m not sure I would be here today. I wouldn’t have been in this stunning country. I wouldn’t have experienced the strong bond and immense love my students and I share. I wouldn’t have made the incredible friends I have. Friends that think smarter and more openly than anyone I have ever met. Girls who also took that risk and faced their fear. Women who are still helping me pick up the pieces today.

I am so blessed and grateful for all the changes that have occurred in my life over the last year. None of them could have happened, if I hadn’t taken the first steps.

This blog isn’t to tell you to break up- unless your heart is already telling you to do so. If this is the sign you need, take it. In all, I’m really telling you that if you do the impossible things, unbelievable things happen in return.

Love,

Anna

P.S. I feel like I have to add as a disclaimer that I by no means intend to make my ex look bad. He is a great person and I hope you can understand this is more about me and my self-discovery than it is about him.

Interviewing Myself- Pre-Departure

When I was in 7th grade, my mom never let me have a myspace (see my 7th grade selfie above). I used to fill out those surveys and post them from my friends’ accounts because I wanted to hint at everyone that I liked a boy. It was like the 2007 version of subtweeting.

Anyways, here I am interviewing myself with questions gathered from the internet as well as from some of you! I want to answer these questions for myself. All these answers are completely truthful and raw. I think it’s important to share my real actual feelings about a matter of things with you all because social media can be so deceiving these days. Mostly, I want to re-answer these question in a years time to see how my answers change as a result of my experience in Korea. Enjoy!

1. Where are you right now? What are you doing?

Currently, it’s 6:53 am. I am in San Diego sitting on the couch of the family I nanny for writing this blog post and drinking a venti iced coffee with soy milk.  I’m wearing a YMCA half zip sweatshirt, blue striped workout pants, two different socks, my hair in a bun, and zero make up.

2. What does a day in your life look like?

Right now, a day in my life is waking up at 5:30 am, running out the door to make it to work by 6 am, sitting on the couch until the girls wake up at 8:30, and doing nanny duties (such as cooking and going to the swimming pool) until about 4pm. I usually sit and talk with their mom for about 30 minutes before driving home and throwing together a dinner (last night was PB&J). Then, I sit in my bed and watch Youtube until I fall asleep around 9:30 and do it all over again. On the weekend, I typically wake up around 7 am, make myself banana protein pancakes with peanut butter, go to my parents’s house, play with my dogs, watch my brother’s basketball game, and then go home and watch Youtube.

I watch a lot of Youtube.

3. What is your relationship status? How do you feel about it?

I am currently and newly single. At first it was easy, I was in Peru experiencing some of the most magnificent things of my life. Then, I came home to the apartment where we used to live together and it hurt. I very much still live in our space which I think is the hardest part. Some days the fog takes over and I start to forget why I ended things and essentially inflicted this horrifying pain on myself. Most days I am clear and feel good. Even when it hurts, I know I made the right decision for my life right now. I have been focusing on me and picking up old hobbies I used to work on before I got into a relationship. I am trying to focus on the present instead of past or future.

4. Are you happy? 

Right now, I feel content. I have been feeling as if I’m living for the future which is to be expected because I’m moving across the world and can’t stop wondering what it will be like. I feel like I’ve been distracted and seeing this question has really caused me to think about it. I am grateful and blessed therefore in this moment I am happy. I think happiness fleeting; I am searching for joy and peace which I feel that I have.

5. What interpersonal skills would you like to develop? 

The three skills I would most like to more fully develop are being flexible, listening more frequently and attentively, and accepting feedback more graciously. I think I have become more flexible recently, but I know that going into my new job in Korea I will have to be very flexible. The culture of business is much different and will take time to adjust to; therefore, I will have to be patient and understanding. Secondly, we all know I am a talker. I love filling silence with my own sound. I am working on only talking when necessary because I think a lot of my loudness comes from insecurity and need to be felt. I want to be a good listener. Finally, I have real trouble accepting feedback. I hate to be critiqued. It makes me very uncomfortable to hear someone telling me I can improve; it sounds like “You’ve failed” to me. I want to be able to hear from a different perspective. I know we can always and should always want to improve.

6. What are your beliefs?

The number one belief I hold right now is that everyone (the vast majority) of people are doing what they think is the right thing to do. What I mean by that is nobody is trying to hurt other people whether it be politically or personally everyone operates on their truths. Truth is subjective obviously. We create our truth and truths can change. It helps me to keep positive and respectful when dealing with others who may have differing truths from mine. Everyone is doing what they think is the best thing for their lives. The second belief I have, which goes hand and hand with the former, is the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We will never be able to control what happens to us or what others say or do. We can simply only control our reaction. It is a lifelong practice.

7. What are you most proud of in your life?

I am most proud of myself. Over the past few years, I have done so many difficult things and grown so much. I have lost over 60 pounds, completely changed my mindset to a more positive one, created so much opportunity for myself, done uncomfortable things, spread more love, surrounded myself with a more positive peer group, and I WALKED ON FIRE. I just could have never seen my life where it is now. I am proud that I am learning to embrace change and fear.

8. How do you picture your life a year from now?

A year from I picture myself writing this in my studio apartment maybe on the 17th floor of a tall building, in the middle of a bustling city. I will have almost completed one year in Korea as a new teacher.  I will probably be exhausted but be sad at the thought of leaving my kids. I picture myself with new friends from around the world and possibly a new relationship. I think I will have committed to another year abroad. If not, I think I will be applying for graduate school for linguistics probably not in San Diego, maybe a different country altogether.

9. How easy/ difficult do you assume the assimilation process will be? How long will it take?

I think the assimilation process will go something like this:

1. First few month: This is a fun vacation!!!
2. Second/third month: I have it all figured out.
3. 4-7 months in: WTF am I doing here?! I know nothing.
4. 8-12 months: Can I stay another year?

It may also go nothing like that but this is my assumption.

I think certain facets will be easier than others. I assume language will be the biggest barrier and hurdle.  In Portugal, I felt that I assimilated almost immediately despite the language barrier. Peru took me longer because of the poverty level and safety concerns I had. Korea will be different because there is no Roman alphabet and I am not coming home after one month.

10. What will you miss the most about home?

In all honesty, I am most sad to leave my dogs. I know this sounds crazy but hear me out. My family will know where I am, why I have left, and I can still communicate with them. My dogs have no idea. I hate the idea that they might think I’m gone forever or even worse that they could forget me!

I will also really miss lazy weekends with my family and going to my brother’s basketball games.

11. What do you want to discover about yourself in the next year?

Like most people my age, I am going through the post-grad “Who the hell am I and what do I want?” phase. I think the biggest struggle I’m currently dealing with in that realm is marriage vs. single and free life. I know this seems crazy since I’m 23 and not in a relationship but it’s something I want more clarity on. Part of me wants that perfect family. I want to bring breakfast in bed to my husband and babies, be the perfect stay at home mom, wife, etc. I know it’s unreasonable and there is no perfect family, but I want it so badly. The other part of me and my wild Sagittarius heart thinks that no two people can actually be happy together forever. No one can promise infinite love without knowing the future and what lies ahead (which none of us do). This part of me wants the adventure, the experience, the infatuation stage forever with as many people as possible, never settling. I’m trying to focus on not rushing and taking it one day at a time, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want clarity for myself. Especially since whatever I decide is ultimately something I need to bring to the table and be upfront about in future relationships. Of course, I could fall madly in love any day, and my views on this could change immediately.

I’m sure this is all part of the becoming an adult thing – thinking I have to have it all figured out.

 

12. What advice would you give yourself one year ago?

Trust your instincts EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO EVEN WHEN IT’S THE SEEMINGLY HARDER CHOICE. You can fight so many things but not yourself. It is the most tiring battle. It will take more work to undo what you’ve done to yourself than doing what you are trying to avoid. Once it’s done you will feel peace, don’t delay that relief just to avoid pain. Trust yourself.

13. What is the biggest thing you’ve learned in life to date?

1.That you have to work on yourself. If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

2. If nothing ever changed, we would be just as unhappy.  In the past, I focused so much on trying to keep things the same because change scared me, but imagine if nothing ever changed. We would be so bored and probably more unhappy. It’s because happiness comes from growth, and growth comes with pain! They go hand in hand.

I just blew my own mind I think.

14. What do you want to have achieved one year from now?

In one year, I want to have stayed in Korea for one year. I know that seems repetitive and self-explanatory but what I really mean is: I don’t want to give up. I want to fight through the pain and the loneliness. In situations of fight or flight, I tend to be a flight-er. This time I want to be a fighter. I want to have seen many more countries, made new friends, successfully have taught my own class for the first time. I would also like to have kept up with this blog and really document my experiences!

15.Write the words you need to hear.

Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today. Embrace uncertainty and change. Nothing will ever stay the same forever. Learn to roll with it. Take each day as it comes and be grateful for what it brings. Live one day at a time.

Que sera, sera!

 

MY WHY! No More Martyrs.

Ever since I was a little girl, I noticed women around me RUSHING. Anxiety-ridden women with too much to do and not enough time to do it. As a single mother, my mom was a hard worker. I still don’t know all  the sacrifices she had to make and I probably never will. Women are givers by nature. They give too much. They take the kids to soccer practice. They fold their husbands’ laundry. They go to work and then come home where they work some more. Then, they go to bed and do it all over again. Day after day after day. Women are more than givers. They are self-sacrificers. They are MARTYRS.

Some think this is a beautiful thing for women to be, I do not. I celebrate giving. It is a wonderful habit to have but killing yourself for others is not glamorous. It perpetuates a vicious circle. A circle of young girls who see their mothers and become just like them: frantic, resentful, over-worked, MARTYRS. I can guarantee many mothers would not wish their life upon their daughters as future mothers- always wanting more for them than for themselves. But daughters will follow YOUR example so if you want things to be different for them, make things different for you too. Make them better.

When you are on an airplane and the flight attendant is monotonously spewing through the safety demonstration what do they say each time?? “Please secure your mask before assisting others.” I feel like this applies to life in general. You need to fill up your own cup before you can go around filling others’ cups. When is the quality of your giving better when you have an overflowing cup or a dribble of last weeks juice at the bottom?! You don’t need me to say the answer.

The truth is YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. Read it again. Say it again. Believe it. Your kids would literally not exist without you. You created human beings. Your job can be filled be any other person in the world. Which means if you’re not happy, you get to change! YOU GET TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST. The happiness of everyone around you depends on it.

The problem is many mothers are running on the juice droplets.Then comes the excuses and guilt. 

Have you ever said or felt one of these:

1. “I just don’t have any time. I’m so busy.”
2. “I’m too tired.”
3. “I feel so empty”
4. “No one appreciates my hard work.”
5. “I don’t have enough money.”

You speak your truth so by saying or thinking these things you are affirming them. Instead affirm your truths:

1. ” I am great mother.”
2. “I am a strong energized women.”
3. “I owe myself time to recharge.”
4. ” I am appreciated and am grateful to help those around me.”
5. ” I am abundant.”

Here is the truth: you DO have time. Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying”it’s not a priority” and see how you feel. My bet is it doesn’t feel good to look yourself in the face and say “I am not my priority.” If you have to take 45 minutes of your day FOR YOU to make sure your cup is full. Your children will understand. Your husband will too. Chances are you will be a better mother for it.With positive energy flowing, you will view time with your children as a blessing instead of a responsibility and your husband will be happier if you’re not taking out the stress of an entire day on him for one tiny thing he said. I’m not saying it will solve everything and make it perfect but what I am saying is that it is necessary.
So while you are setting up that great example for your children of what a fullfilling life can look like, you should also be setting them up with a healthy lifestyle. Physical health and mental health are truly 2 peas in a pod. If your nurtition is lacking, your mental health can often suffer and we all know hat when our mental state is not sound we are prone to midnight Ben and Jerry’s on the couch.

This is why I do Herbalife. It allows me to prioritize myself in the nooks and crannies of my life. I can listen to personal development to feed my mental growth while I am getting ready in the morning or driving to work. Trust me, it’s better than listening to the same song on the radio ten times in a twenty minute time span. Ask your kids what they’re grateful for and share what you’re grateful for. Make it a family ordeal. Ground yourself, center yourself, and prepare to face the day. As for nutrution, literally nothing could be easier than blending water and powder. Even making eggo waffles takes longer than that. So while you’re making your healthy breakfast, make one for your kids too. I see far too many parents giving their children donuts for breakfast because they think healthy breakfasts take too long or are inconvenient. There is a way to live that is both overly-convenient and beneficial. It’s time to stop the excuses and live your best life ever. 

I know this may make some people upset and they may think I have no idea what I’m talking about. But if this disturbs you it probably applies to you, and I urge you to think about it deeply. My mission is to empower women to invest in themselves. It’s the most important investment you can make.
Peace and love,

Anna 

 

What NOT to Say

As I’ve decided to make my fitness journey a very public one I have been noticing the types of comments people often make on my posts. Although I know all are said with the best intentions, I have a hard time receiving them that way. I urge anyone who is commenting on a person’s personal journey (whether fitness related or not) to really think before commenting.

The first thing I’ve noticed is the “you were still beautiful before” comment. Yes! I was! Although I had trouble realizing it at times, I still new I was amazing and gorgeous 50 pounds ago. I still took plenty of selfies and had the days of “OMG I am the hottest thing to exist.. EVER”. But the difference is now I am actively WORKING to get in incredible shape mentally and physically. This is what makes me feel great! MY HARD WORK. So it is almost diminishing when people tell me the old me was great. Yes, she was but she was also unhealthy and lazy. Although the comment is coming from a place of love, it’s almost redundant to even comment it. I knew I was beautiful. I realized my self-worth and that is why this journey even began.

Secondly, now more than ever, I am receiving the “Don’t get too skinny” comment. I do not know how to describe the feeling of going from being fat shamed to now skinny shamed. It is the most bizarre thing ever. I understand this is coming from a place of health concern most likely but that in itself is an insult because I am living a healthy lifestyle! I am eating more nutrients than I have ever before. I get up and move my body. I push the limits. Things I do not do: starve myself, over-restrict, diet. Also, I am still a size 6,8,10 (depending on the store) so I am not sure why people are so concerned about my skinniness. Yes I have lost fifty pounds. No I do not weigh fifty pounds. Therefore the concern is not necessary. In general, you should also just never say this to a person. It really sounds horrible and if you are honestly concerned about their health you should approach it in a different way.

 

If you are reading this and realizing you have said either one of these comments to me, please don’t think I hate you! I simply wish to inform people how their words can feel and to be careful with them.

 

Much love,

Anna