What I’ve Learned About Relationships From Being Single for 1 Year

One year ago I completely destroyed my “perfect” little life. Really, I should say I took the first step, which was also the biggest and hardest one to take. The breakup.

Coming to the conclusion that I needed to break up with someone was the hardest part. It was almost a year of ignoring the little voice in my head that said, “Maybe this isn’t meant to be your forever.” Breaking up didn’t sound easy, fun, or sensible, so in my brain it wasn’t a possibility. The thoughts kept creeping up on me, in the shower, while driving, while in school. They became harder to ignore and I manifested them into a crippling anxiety that couldn’t be ignored. When my physical heart started hurting and I wasn’t sleeping, I knew it was time to at least consider it. I didn’t talk about it out loud. I kept it in and pushed it down. I couldn’t talk to my friends about it because once it came out of my mouth I knew I would have to face it. But being the over-sharer I am, one day it came out at dinner with a friend and then just a few short days letter it happened.

You may be asking why I’m sharing this when people that I wish wouldn’t will probably read it and it’s all so deeply and painfully personal. Well I have a few answers to that question:

1. I think it could actually really help someone especially people who are like me and had no idea what a break up would actually be like
2. Writing is my therapy
3. Because as horrible as it was my break up was the best thing that ever happened to me

So without further ado I would like to share the 6 biggest lessons I’ve learned about love, relationships, and break ups in the last year.

1. Being in a relationship is not a solution to all of life’s problems.

Our world places a ridiculous amount of pressure on people to be in relationships. They paint this picture that nothing bad can happen to you once you find “the one”. The truth is life will try to knock you down whether you are single or not. Being in a relationship does not protect you from the cruelties of life, so staying in one when it’s not working is only going to cause more trouble.

2. Peace and mourning can co-exist

To quote the iconic adolescent novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

This was another huge lesson for me. I felt like if I was sad I couldn’t possibly be making the right choice. But I noticed that once I faced my fears, confronted my feelings, and just did it, I felt at peace. I also felt so incredibly sad. Healing is not linear and there are definitely still days where I feel sad and some nights where I randomly I cry. However, I am always positive this was the best decision for me because I also feel an overwhelming amount of peace. As soon as I confronted my feelings, my physical anxiety symptoms went away and were replaced by a calm vulnerability.

3. The right decision is often the harder one to make.

It shouldn’t be so hard to leave, but it also shouldn’t be so hard to stay. There’s a difference between working on what you can fix and staying after time has expired. Of course, staying together seems like the easier answer but the harder choice is almost always the better one. Personal growth is right outside your comfort zone and leaving my bubble and facing the hard truth opened the door to many amazing opportunities. Growing is painful but we can be truly happy unless we are progressing. Staying in a dying relationship because it feels better than confronting your feelings will only hurt you more in the end.

4. Trust Yourself.

You shouldn’t have to make a list of pros and cons to decide to stay or go. If your heart says it’s time, then it’s time. I so badly wanted to avoid pain that I literally disconnected myself from my heart even though it was telling me the truth all along. It caused much more damage in the long run and I’m still working to rebuild that connection with myself. Just listen to your gut.

5. You’re allowed to be sad even if you’re the “heartbreaker”.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn and I think it’s actually the reason I lost many friends during this time of my life. Since I was the one breaking up with someone, I really felt as if I had no place to be sad. This was what I “wanted” and so I had to be happy about it. If I was that heartbroken, why would we be breaking up in the first place? It lead me to try to act tougher and happier than I really was. Since in my relationship I had suppressed a lot of emotions, it only felt natural at this point to continue to do so. These shattering life moments don’t come with a rule book, although sometimes society makes it seem that way. If you’re sad, feel sad.

6. Just because it’s not wrong doesn’t mean it’s right!

This was definitely one of the biggest lessons for me and one that I’m still learning fully. It’s easy for friends and family to say, “But he was such a nice guy!” Of course then your brain agrees and decided you’ll never meet a “nice” guy again as if “nice” is the only thing a person needs to be to have a fulfilling relationship. You can have the perfect guy and still not be happy. If he’s not perfect for you, then it’s time to go. Don’t use every bad thing he doesn’t do as an excuse to stay.

You’re still probably wondering why l said my break up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So before I go, let me explain.

My breakup forced me to do something really difficult. Something I really wanted to avoid because of fear and pain. By breaking down that boundary and doing the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, I was set free. Nothing scared me anymore. If I could do that horrifying thing, I could do other scary things too. Things that I would bring me massive joy- like moving to Korea. If I hadn’t had the courage to break up with my ex, I’m not sure I would be here today. I wouldn’t have been in this stunning country. I wouldn’t have experienced the strong bond and immense love my students and I share. I wouldn’t have made the incredible friends I have. Friends that think smarter and more openly than anyone I have ever met. Girls who also took that risk and faced their fear. Women who are still helping me pick up the pieces today.

I am so blessed and grateful for all the changes that have occurred in my life over the last year. None of them could have happened, if I hadn’t taken the first steps.

This blog isn’t to tell you to break up- unless your heart is already telling you to do so. If this is the sign you need, take it. In all, I’m really telling you that if you do the impossible things, unbelievable things happen in return.

Love,

Anna

P.S. I feel like I have to add as a disclaimer that I by no means intend to make my ex look bad. He is a great person and I hope you can understand this is more about me and my self-discovery than it is about him.